Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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