What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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