Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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