I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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