I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
