I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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