I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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