And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
