I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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