every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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