My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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