I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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