PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
