You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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