he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
