Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
