I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
