I am midnight drunk by noon
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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