I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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