I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
