He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
