dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
