you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
