I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
