We won't sleep together?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
