At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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