Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
