Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How does one acquire holy water?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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