you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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