I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
