I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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