in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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