Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
