Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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