I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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