I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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