Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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