yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
