I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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