my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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