My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
