hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
