After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
