he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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