I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
