We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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