The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
