even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
