3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
