Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
