The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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