i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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