I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
