It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
