ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
