I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
